Friday, January 27, 2012

I hate you - chapter 7.

Right after the big game I left with my family and when we got home I only had half an hour to change clothes, so I picked my casual  jeans and a strapless party top then said goodbye.

When I entered the club, I could definitely see that this party will not be a quiet one, there were people drinking, dancing and enjoying the night everywhere I looked . The school booked the whole place for today, I did not have an idea if the dean knew about it or not. Whoever came nearby, offered me a drink and after refusing a couple of cocktails, I said yes to the next one. I truly believe that we can enjoy a night without alcohol, but maybe it can help me tonight. Forgetting is my only wish for today.

I picked a table full of girls, hoping that Sonie will be sitting there too and finally I can talk to her about what happened in my love life. I had mixed feelings: I did not know if the problems between Josh and I can be fixed or not and also I did not know what happened to Nate when he kissed me today.

I had a sip from my cocktail and it felt good. I felt alive finally. I approached the table, then I saw Sonie immediately and beckoned her to talk.
  • Ally, are you okay? - she asked worried.
  • No, Son, nothing is okay. - I replied.
  • Let's get to a separated box so we can talk without these people bothering us. - she offered and I followed her.

We found a great place to talk, sat down and I let out a deep breath. I did not even know how to start. I know that I did not give her any update recently, but I wanted her to concentrate fully on floorball. My problems could wait.

  • Sonie, so many things happened recently. I don't even know where to start. Josh broke up with me - I said and saw her expression change instantly.
  • Broke up? Whaat? - she asked still surprised.
  • Because I messed up. Big time.
  • I don't get it Al, before the game you were cuddling and kissing. Tell me it is because of him being angry for losing the game! If that is the deal, than I am really disappointed in him!
  • No, he was not jealous. He took it as a man. But he caught me kissing Nate. - I told her finally and I could already feel a huge relief.
  • Ally??? Did you.. When I entered... Oh my Gooood! You and Nate?
  • There is no such thing as Nate and I. We were all frustrated because he got substituted, I followed him to the locker room to make sure he does not do anything stupid, then we were shouting at each other for minutes and the next thing I remember is that he kissed me.
  • But did he kiss you only or you kissed him back?
  • I did not refuse him. But I don't know what happened to him.
  • Ally, hon, she likes you this is what happened! You have to consider it! - she said out loud my worst fear.
  •  That is bullshit, he does not like me. I am sure he only kissed me to take Josh out of the picture. He hates him so much. And he got what he wanted apparently.
  • So do you think it was just a game?
  • No. I wouldn't say that. It was soft and tender and very passionate.
  • Then here is your answer: he likes you!
  • Okay, maybe, but I don't need him!
  • Why not?
  • Sonie, you have been there the whole time while he was a jerk with me! You can't be serious.
  • But we never actually found the reason why he was being a jerk to you, and yet we thought about everything, skipping the obvious.
  • But I don't need him and I am done talking.
  • Okay, then what about Josh?
  • I have no idea if he is ever going to talk to me again or not.

When we were done talking, we decided to get loose and dance. On our way to the dancefloor two guys immediately joined us. We got there and one of the guys cuddled my neck and we started dancing to a romantic slow song. That was the moment when I saw him, Nate was with a blondie, her had was on his shoulders and they seemed intimate. I felt fury raising in my chest.

He looked at me for a moment and sent me a grin, an ironic grin. I got so frustrated, that I left my boy there on the dancefloor. I searched for the exit and I stood outside in the cold. The cold always helped me.

I don't even understand what I expected from him. Sonie did not even nail it at all, because if that was true, he would not be dancing with another girl right now. And they seemed very intimate. Does she know that her BF has just kissed me a couple of hours ago? I wanted to tell her everything, wanted him to feel how it is losing something.

I decided to go back and confront her, I rushed to the doorknob of the club angrily and wanted to get back, but I pushed someone accidentally. I felt that I was losing balance and I was headed to fall on the stairs, but a firm arm caught me on my back. Just in time.

I felt the sparks immediately, I knew it was him holding me. Every time I touch him, I have a strange feeling inside.

  • What if you did not push me away? - he asked playfully, but did not even sound angry. Well, maybe he was not angry, but I was, so I just did not get his reason to be so smiley. I wanted to retort back, but he butted in and added: - Ally, relax, I am just kidding. - he tried to calm me.
  • Oh, of course, cause everything is a game for you, is not it?
  • What are you talking about? - he asked frowning.
  • Does your blondie know that you recently kissed me, and now you are hugging her? - I asked angrily. Nate did not react immediately, he seemed confused.
  • Jeez, Ally, so this is why you are being so touchy now? - he asked surprised.
  • I do not give a damn at who you are with, I just wanted to save a heartbreak for that girl!
  • You are jealous! - he retorted but it looked like even he had a hard time believing what he said.
  • I am not jealous! You wish! - I answered but he did not react.  - So, does she know it? - I was still pushing.
  • No, she does not. - he said with a smile.

It seemed that he enjoyed the moment and had a good time while I was angry. We looked at each other for a while, no words said, then he turned around and went back to the club. I followed him doggedly, until he approached the dancefloor where blondie was waiting for him. They started dancing again. I stepped in the middle so they could not move. They looked at me, I turned to the girl.
  • Hi, I am Ally. Nice to meet you. I am the girl your BF has just kissed an hour ago - I said rudely.
  • Nathalie - she replied and added confused: If you were in Europe, I would have a chance to believe you on the first hand. - now I was confused.

  • My fiancé (there was a proud emphasis on the last word) is studying in Germany, but I know he would never cheat on me. - she added and I started to get angrier.
  • Oh, great, well, you seem to cheat on him easily - I replied.
  • It is just a dance, what is your problem? - she asked. I heard Nate started giggling behind me.
  • Allison - he said - let me introduce you to Nathalie, my cousin - he said. I just stood there shocked, Nathalie seemed to get to understand the situation only now. I don't want to imagine what she thought about me before she realized I did not know the reason of the bond between these two.

Great. Just once, just once in my life I want to stab him in the heart, but I am not capable to cause him pain. It is me failing. I felt blush reaching my face, I turned around and left them on the dancefloor. I went to the separated box in the corner and sat down, my head buried in my hands. I knew he followed him. He sat down next to me. I did not even look at him.
  • I am not in the mood of talking right now - I said.
  • I did not come to argue, Ally. - he replied on a very calm tone. - I want to talk to you.
  • We have nothing to talk about.
  • Well, I think we have plently. A lot happened between us recently.
  • Nothing happened between us. - I said raising my voice.
  • You can deny it, whatever. But it happened Ally. And you have to talk to me, you cannot  postpone it forever. - he said a bit angrily, stood up and left me there.

I searched for Sonie and told her that I would be going home. I was so coward, that I did not dare to tell her what happened with Nathalie. I got out of the club and called my mom to pick me up. She came about 15 minutes after my call. Mom had some good mother instincts and did not force me to finally talk about what happened to me. They sure realized that Josh is not part of my life and probably their first encounter with Nate made them feel that my love life is much more complicated than it should be for a 19 years old. She drove me home silently, and when we got there, I headed straight to my room. I changed to my pyjamas and put on my checked baggy trousers and a simple top. I thought I would have a hard time sleeping, but after a minute my eyebrows fell down and I was deeply asleep.

The next morning I woke up sober. All my thoughts about Nate and Josh came back. It seemed that I can only get relaxed when I am asleep. And now all the pain in my chest came back. I missed Josh and I wanted to forget everything about yesterday. But my only problem was that I could not forgive myself for what I did. If I had seen Josh kissing another girl I would have been so angry that even I would have slapped him in the face. I need to find out what is what I really want and then act. I am sure if I was with Nate, our life would be a rollercoaster ride. The ups and downs are inevitable. I need to feel that I am in a safe place and that I can trust the person I am with.

But how can I make Josh trust me if I am unable to forgive myself?  I have to finish thinking about it, because I will become a crazy person. I realized that I was hungry, so I went to the kitchen downstairs. When I started to prepare my meal, I heard the doorbell.

I was surprised when I saw who was standing in front of my door...   

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